Sirius's Monologue
by PadfootRawr
Summary: This is set just before Harry's third year. Or you could say at the begining :    No DH spoilers, it was written before.


By the way this was written** before** Deathly Hallows. So no Spoilers, and events from the book haven't been included :)

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**What went wrong? **

I sit here with my head in my hands. Once again tears settle on my face, while fresh ones cascade down my cheeks, renewing the damp texture. Although I am surprised they haven't turned to frost in this place. It's cold, well more like freezing, and an un-natural mist lies low in the air. We're not in a cold part of the world, no were on an island in the middle of a load of water. But the bleak, glacial atmosphere is caused by _them_. _They_ keep us in here, depress us all. Rid the place of any sign of happiness. A lot of people go mad in here; a few even meet their deaths. I'm surprised I haven't had that fate yet. There's only one thing that keeps me going; the fact that I am actually innocent. A lot of people claim that their innocent, but most aren't. They're either death eaters, or actual criminals. I apparently killed thirteen people with my own hands, but I didn't. Physically I didn't kill the two other people, and although I don't have their blood on my hands either, I good as killed them.

I've been sat here eleven nearly twelve years; Wondering if I will ever get out. Pondering what I could have become, if my stupidity hadn't got the better of me. But I have learnt that you should never judge a book by its cover. I was outwitted. Outwitted by the person I least expected, the one person I thought could never achieve. And the evidence that he could was lying right under my nose, yet I missed it.

Lots of names are stuck in my head as if a permanent sticking charm has been preformed; six names to be exact; four of which are for love; James, Lily, Remus and Harry, however the last two for hate; Peter and Voldemort. They're the names of the main people that have affected my life the most. And my mind, slightly sane as it is, won't let me forget them. Although I'd never forget the four that I love, I'd do anything to rid my thoughts of the other two.

James has affected me the most. And he will always have a place in my memory, which can never be replaced. He was the first person to see me as Sirius, and not as a Black. We became more like brothers than anything else. We shared everything, and did everything together; which of course included the many pranks of 'Snivellus'. I was even welcomed into his home when I left mine, and his parents even considered me a second son. Something I will always be grateful for.

Lily also had an affect on me too. She was always loveable, and it was impossible to dislike her. She had a side which you automatically warmed up to, although like redheads are famous for, she had her temperament; which we saw a lot of the first few years of the lark with 'Snivellus' but it warred of a bit after he started calling her a Mudblood. Which I am now making a mental note to conclude that it's a foolish and worthless comment, as people can be as good as Purebloods no matter what parents they had. Lily was and still is a much better witch than some are wizard.

But I certainly do not want to talk about 'Snivellus' even though I have enough time to dwell on the past. And it would be quite humorous reminding myself of the many times we hexed him, and when James used 'Levicorpus' on him from time to time. But any happiness I get from the memories would immediately depart me seeing as _they_ enjoy sucking the happiness out of you.

Harry. He is also drilled into my skull. As soon as I found out he was alive, I nearly jumped for joy. That was one flame _they _couldn't extinguish. But every fire goes out eventually, and that happy feeling didn't last long; although I constantly think about Harry, about my godson.

I wish I could be the one looking after him. I wish I could be the one who watched him grow up. But I missed it all; Once again because of me trying to play hero. If I hadn't gone after the rat, I wouldn't be here. He would have just finishing his second year at Hogwarts… if he's going back there, after all the trouble with Voldemort. Although I highly doubt Albus would cut Harry away from the wizarding world. But if I ever get out of here I'm going to find him, and I'm going to look after him like a godfather is supposed to.

Another person super glued in my mind is Remus, another friend, my next closest friend to James. We bonded almost instantly. But we soon learnt he was not as normal as we all thought. He was actually a werewolf. But thanks to him we became animagus. And it was for him. He was always there for me, and he always tried to keep me and Prongs in order. But he failed miserably a lot of the time. I will always remember him, and I hope to find him again one day. Although come to think of it, it may be my animagus form that will save my life. I often transform in my cell, so _they_ can't reach me.

Then there was Peter. Even his name leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I detest his name, nearly as much as I detest the person. And I should have seen it coming. He used to follow me, Prongs and Moony round. And it almost seemed he worshipped James, how he admired him when he had the golden snitch. And I remember I actually thought he was our friend once, but not anymore. Not now, not ever. He's betrayed me, and gone too far. He is the reason that two of my best friend's lives have been taken. I should have seen it, even his animagus form proved it; a rat; a deceiving, despicable rat. But it's his fault that I landed myself in here. Although I convinced myself that he was indeed useless, and worthless. But I was wrong. And he proved that; he sidestepped me. I remember just after he cut his finger off, and blew up the street I laughed. My first reaction was a laugh. How stupid can you get? But my first momentarily thought was that Peter Pettigrew had thwarted me. Small minded, pea brain Peter had succeeded to mislead me. But those lead to the ministry's thoughts of me being mad were proven and true.

Finally there's Voldemort. The one person I hate more than Peter. And that's hard to get around. I hate him because he killed James and Lily. He took them out of my life. And he even turned his wand on Harry; more than once. But Harry was ahead of him. I knew he'd inherited James' quick thinking, and Lily's ability to plan a situation out in a second. Both which have saved him from Voldemort. Not everything has been in the daily prophet, but you hear a lot in here from the other Death Eaters. But Voldemort has made many people's lives hell. And he has destroyed so many others. He even got one of his "servants" to torture the Longbottoms to insanity. They were good people, people who didn't deserve that fate, and people who should be living their lives happily.

Well actually it was my old cousin Bellatrix he 'hired', which doesn't really surprise me, she hasn't got a heart which _they_ can take away, or seep the happiness out of. She doesn't know the meaning of happiness. But Voldemort is apparently gone. But I know he's not. And although the death eaters don't confess everything, it's obvious he will come back, and I'm just waiting for that moment; praying that Harry will be okay, and that he is old enough to handle himself if I never get out of here. He has tried to attack Harry twice in the last two years, yet the ministry is too blind to see that Voldemort is out there, but the ministry never has been one to publish anything which will harm the reputation of 'moral' and 'good' work.

A few days ago Fudge, our dearest minister, gave me a paper. And I've been re-reading it continuously. On the front page is a picture of the Weasley's. But they're not alone. They have a rat, not just any rat though. He has a toe missing. I know who he is. And I know that the youngest Weasley boy is friends with Harry.

If that rat goes to Hogwarts, and hears of Voldemort's up rise, I wouldn't be surprised if he would be happy to hand over the last Potter. It's become more of an obsession to escape. To keep harry safe, and to get my revenge on that traitor. I've planned it out. I have suffered from malnutrition for years, and I am basically a bag of bones. Although it could work to my advantage, if I transform to Padfoot, I could slip past _them_. And get out. Maybe even become the first person to escape this hell hole. But I am determined to keep Harry safe, and dispose of Peter once and for all. No matter what I have to do to accomplish it. I will.

**_I owe Harry and Lily this much; but especially James._**


End file.
